Relationships

Healthy relationships

In general, good relationships are built on:

  • trust, respect and equality (equal rights, opportunities and responsibilities)
  • honesty
  • care and emotional support
  • mutual decision-making and shared responsibility
  • resolving conflict (through communication)
  • good and open communication, and
  • intimacy.

A healthy relationship will be one where both parties are on an equal level, communicating their individual and shared interests, values and vision for the relationship or family and making decisions together.

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A healthy relationship is one where both partners, first and foremost, respect each other.

Second, acknowledge each other.

Once you start treating the other person with this sense of equality, they be they immediately become or they feel valued.

It is not our gender or our colour or our race or our ethnicity or our language that makes one better than the other.

Absolutely not.

This is a false criteria.

Once you have that in a relationship, it creates that imbalance immediately.

So equal here means that we both have equal financial rights, spiritual rights, physical duties and rights.

And sometimes small things make a huge difference.

And it comes back to the idea of expectation.

So if I'm in the kitchen and I see a plate that is not clean, I will not wait or expect that my partner should come and clean it.

Right. Because we are in this together.

This is a partnership. Yeah.

Simple things like doing the laundry don't feel it's above your status to just go and do these things.

These are important things that can make the other person feel respected and valued.

But also, I think what I would do to maintain a healthy relationship is make sure that in my very busy schedule, I do have time for my partner, for my family, such as making sure that I have in my calendar a day where it's just for the family.

A day where we can go out and have coffee together.

Relationships require a lot of maintenance, a lot of work on a daily basis.

But also, I think, to have the ability and the genuine willingness to listen and not to be judgmental.

Communication

Good communication is an essential pillar for a healthy relationship. Good communication provides a strong foundation, prepares you to meet any challenges that lie ahead and helps you connect with your partner. A relationship is stronger when both people communicate and work towards common outcomes, have shared values and make decisions together.

Listening is an important part of effective communication. Sometimes during a conversation, we don’t pay attention or listen actively to what our partner is saying and this can result miscommunication and hurt feelings.

Tips to help you practise active listening:

  • Be relaxed and focused on the present moment.
  • Look at the person and try to maintain eye contact.
  • Wait your turn and speak quietly but clearly.
  • Ask ‘open questions’ that require a descriptive answer. Closed questions receive ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers and limit information. Open questions open up the conversation.
  • If your partner says something that you do not understand, ask them to clarify.
  • Try to summarise what they are saying and how they feel.
  • Allow the person to finish speaking. Don’t cut them off.
  • Try not to judge or criticise your partner when they are speaking and never demand that you be obeyed because you are a man.
  • Don’t always feel that you need to solve your partner’s problems. Sometimes people just want you to listen and will find the solution themselves.

Resolving conflicts

  • Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, no matter what your background or culture is.
  • If you previously relied on family or elders to resolve family problems but no longer have their support, you will need to learn how to resolve problems with your partner. This may be difficult at first but there are tools you can learn to manage and resolve disputes before they escalate.
  • It is important that whoever you consult understands Australian law.
  • Having the final word in an argument is not always the best outcome.
  • If you have children, practising respectful conflict resolution skills will teach them how to resolve their own disputes. How you do this will have an impact on their sense of security and how they interact with others.
  • If you are unable to resolve a conflict with your partner, you may want to seek counselling or mediation support. See ‘Counselling and Relationships’.

For more information see MensLine’s tips on Managing Conflict.

Read Transcript

In practice, good communication looks like this: when somebody speaks, you look them in the eyes.

You don't turn your face around and you show them the utmost respect and you listen attentively. When we do speak, after listening, be mindful of the feelings of the other person.

Because abuse is not only physical, it can be emotional and it can be through words.

So we have to be very careful.

Good communication means choosing your words carefully, being gentle in the way we say things.

And sometimes it might be better sometimes not to say things in a state of conflict is part of human nature and therefore it becomes bad depending on what we do with it or how we engage with it.

It can be healthy argumentation, which is praiseworthy.

But if conflict escalates and if it's going to become physical, then this is highly problematic and we have to be careful not to allow it to escalate.

And we can do that in a number of ways.

For example, conflict: obviously people's temperature goes up, their voice goes higher and they become in a state of defensiveness.

Eastern wisdom would say that in this situation, change your situation.

If you are sitting, stand up.

If you're standing up, just move away.

Move away from the situation until the temperatures have cooled down.

In psychology, they say interrupt the pattern and then come back to it and have a more conducive, more gentle response to that conflict.

Once I was in India years ago and an elder, a very experienced man said he said if one partner is on fire, the other one should be the water to cool it down.

But if both are on fire, the whole house will go on fire.

 

Managing anger and frustration

Here are some tips to help you address your problems and better manage your anger:

  • If you’re not reaching a mutual agreement and are getting angry, ask for some time out, step away, and let your partner know you’ll be back to finish the discussion (in a non-aggressive way) with a clearer and calmer mind.
  • Healthy ways to calm down include walking, running or a sport to allow the energy out and let your emotions subside.
  • Don’t take your anger out on your partner or children. You may actually be angry about something else. Stop and reflect on why you are angry.
  • Take time and space to think about your feelings and recognise where they are coming from. Try not to blame each other or ignore each other’s feelings.
  • Don’t let things build up or escalate. Telling someone how you feel at the time is more helpful than sitting on it or acting out.
  • Although you may be reluctant because you feel you should be in control of the situation, it is OK to ask for help or let your partner know you might be having trouble.
  • Counselling can help you understand what’s causing your anger and teach you different ways to manage it.

See MensLine’s page on Managing your anger, including their tip sheet.

If you would like to talk to someone about the topics in this section, call MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78